Spooktacular Fun

Halloween this year was spooktacular! I know, I'm a dork! Can't help it. We started the season getting the most delicious apples around at Deer Lake Orchard. One of my favorite things about fall are eating Honey Crisp apples. Yummy! The kids and I made caramel apples. They were great helpers and enjoyed eating them as much as me.

Of course we also had to decorate and carve pumpkins. I wasn't sure if they were ready for carving, but the lady at the pumpkin stand thought they would do well. We started off with painting them, since I was still leery about them carving. However, when Dave and I started carving out pumpkins, they insisted on doing it too. With some guidance they actually did quite well.

Our next adventure took place at my friend Sarah's Halloween party. It was last Friday night and was a ton of fun. They had my friend's husband dj, a keg, and pulled pork. There were lots of friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. Dave any I dressed as hippies. It took me 3 hours to pick a Halloween costume while in a overtired daze searching countless "hoe" outfits online. I am totally fine with anybody who wants to wear skimpy costumes, but it would be nice if there was more of a variety for those of us who would feel a lot more comfortable in something that covered our bootys. Also, this is Minnesota and I freeze enough in jeans and a sweatshirt, so lets be realistic and cater to those of us who want to feel relaxed. OK that's my rant. I am very happy that I found something for the fun festivities. The next night we went to another friend of mines Halloween party and had a great time there too!

Then came the night the kids have been waiting for...trick or treating. I love seeing the kids in their costumes and the excitement of the big night! Thankfully my mom always comes to help and Ethan comes too. We bundled Brinlee up and she tagged along in the stroller. Mason decided to be Bumblebee Transformer, which I announced as Bumblebee TUNA as I videoed him. Yep, I totally called him TUNA instead of transformer!  Lilah was Minnie Mouse and she was very happy to be her as she said, "I'm cute!" (She gets her confidence from her dad!) Brinlee was a grey and pink leopard/cheetah and Ethan was a Scream. His mask was very neat and he could squirt "blood" through it which dripped down his mask face. The kids did a great job holding up through all the houses we went too. Mason constantly asked when we were going home because he wanted to eat his treats. He didn't quite get the concept of the more houses we go to, the more treats you get to eat. He didn't get antsy though and kept a positive attitude the whole way. He even started to switch his voice to sound scary when getting to the doors! Lilah fell about 2/3 of the way and then had a melt down which led to the "I can't walk" drama. That's her new thing. If she's upset, she will say things like, "My tummy hurts. My head hurts. I can't walk." Can be quite frustrating, especially when you really don't have much of a choice but to carry her the final 1/3 of the way or leave her on the grass of a neighbors yard as she throws a major tantrum. Maybe when she turns 3 in January, this terrible 2 business will end. I can hope, right? Brinlee did very well in the stroller and ended up falling asleep for some of the way. All in all it was a great time!

P.I.F.

Probably one of the most awkward stages of my life was middle school or "Junior High" as it was called. Your body suddenly goes through rapid unforgiving changes, you are trying to figure out whether you are still a "kid," and adults around think you are just as weird as you feel. I empathize for all the kids going through that time of life. Such a strange time and there were not many lessons taught to know why it was happening and how to deal with it. I remember a specific time when one of my all time best friends, Nikki, decided to tell me what she overheard Erik saying from the lunch table a couple rows down. I had just grabbed my "hot" lunch and Nikki was already at the table since the only days she stood in that line was for food was when we had weiner roll ups or Italian dunkers. She informed me that Erik was talking to his buddies about how "Amy K's boobs are really getting big." Awesome.....I can't say it was all bad. I mean, it wasn't the most charming thing in the world, but at least he wasn't talking about my thighs and butt's growth spurt, right? OK maybe it's still rude, but really there are girls across the world paying for larger boobs, so I guess I could feel like I had some bonus during the many "negative" changes that took place at that time.

A year before I married, I had left a message on a general machine to discuss ways in which I could volunteer for any groups or activities that helped deal with the massive meth problem that was destroying my family and my community at that time. A lady named Alison returned my phone call shortly after and we had discussed the organizations that were in the works to help stop the epidemic that was taking over the lives of too many. I was feeling helpless in the situation that directly impacted my loved ones, so I needed to find a way to help even if it was not directly changing the people next to me. I couldn't sit at home anymore. I needed to be active in helping with the fight. I remember praying harder than I have ever prayed during that time while the emotions flooded through and the tears just poured out. There is no feeling of helplessness quite like the one you have when a devastating drug consumes the life of the people you love. The group I joined really helped me to push some of the emotions forward. Alison had also told me of a group that her and a few other ladies wanted to start called PIF and asked if I would be interested in joining.

PIF is a group that was started with an agenda to help girls in middle school, 6th-8th grade, who needed guidance, who maybe were struggling with family, struggling with school, struggling with friends. These were girls who not only had to deal with the awkwardness of middle school and the changed that come with it, but they also had to deal with additional struggles that made the "normal" changes even more difficult to deal with. I LOVED the idea of the group! I was excited and very happy to be chosen to be a leader of this group of young ladies get through a time of there life that may shape a big part of who they become. I could relate to all of them in one way or another and was happy to work with a group of leaders who were compassionate about making the middle school experience a positive one. We saw a light in the girls that grew brighter as our time with them grew. It was a wonderful experience. I ended up stepping back from the group as a leader after Mason was born due to difficulty with my schedule, but am happy to be able to teach them during one session each year about all the strange body changes that occur and why. It's a life changing group that has truly helped shape many young ladies lives. One of the girls went on to become Buffalo Royalty!

An ironic thing happened to me on September 7th. I remember the date because it was the day after Dave's Birthday and we were planning to go out for drinks. I had a very long and busy day at work, didn't get much sleep the night before, and had a 2 hour staff meeting after my 8.5 hour shift. I was exhausted to say the least. I needed a large Caramel Machiatto from Dunn Bros. I headed to get my drink and just as I was ready to turn into the driveway leading to the drivethru, a lady in a mini van was headed out and blocked the driveway for me to enter. I quickly stepped on my brakes and waved her to go onto the road ahead of me so I could enter the driveway. Just as I'm about to enter, my Tahoe dies. I thought "Oh great!" I quickly turned the key as I panic watching cars around me pass.It fires right up and a sudden glimmer of hope appears. I step on the gas to entice it to continue idling, but just as quickly as the glimmer of hope came, it quickly dies. With my phone in my hand and people heading in my direction from behind, I quickly put on my emergency lights while simultaneously dialing Dave's number. I look in my rear view mirror and see a car fastly approaching my tail end and think, "GO AROUND! CAN'T YOU SEE MY EMERGENCY LIGHTS!" She stops and puts her emergency lights on too and I realize she wants to help. With a sigh of relief I hop out of the car and realize that it's the mother of one of the very first girls that I helped mentor in PIF! She didn't know it was me before I stepped out of my car, but saw someone in need of help and came to the rescue. I gave her a giant hug and she says, "You need any help hun?" I barely even had my emergency lights on and she was already behind me willing to help. I told her that everything should be fine since Dave was on his way and she said, "Well do want me to help you move your car out of the way and maybe see if jumping it would help?" Smiling from ear to ear I said, "That would be awesome! Let me call Dave quick to tell him to wait to come." I put the car in neutral, guided the steering wheel, while we both pushed it to the side of the road. I gathered up my jumper cables and she parked her car to face mine. With her cars power to mine, the Tahoe turned right over and idled even longer than the first time, but psyched me out and shut off. In the meantime, I had 3 other people stop to ask if I needed a hand. You just don't think that there are that many people who want to help total strangers anymore, so I was very thankful for each and every offer. By this time, Dave was on his way and my PIF mom and me were chatting trying to diagnose what may be the problem. We also went on to give a brief update on life since diagnosing cars was not really our specialty. Dave quickly showed up with a tow rope in hand and I gave a few more hugs to my "angel" and felt like I couldn't thank her enough. It's funny how in the end people really do Pay It Forward.

Worth Your Time

Have you ever heard of http://www.pinterest.com/? If not, it's worth checking out, but only if you are ready to spend a few hours glued in front of your computer. Haha, well that may be a little bit extreme, but seriously it can suck you in. It's a website in which people share great ideas, cool crafts, inspirational quotes, funny sayings, beautiful pictures, delicious recipes, and anything in-between. What's really nice about the site, is you create a profile page so you can save all of the cool things that interest you right to your page. There are photography tips, cost saving ideas, entertaining tips, motivational words, and so much more! It really has anything and everything and what else is nice about it, is that you can upload your own ideas, sites, photos, etc. which are called "pins" on the site to share with others. The only downfall is that you have to have an invite to join, which in itself isn't that difficult to get since you can request an invite right on the home page, but still an extra step that probably could be avoided. Let me know if you want an invite from me. I will need your email address. I have a friend from work that I wanted to show some neat things I learned from the site and after I opened up the page, she requested that I send her an invite. The next time I saw her, she told me she was mad at me because she was addicted to the site, lol! Please do not let that detour you. I promise you will love it!

If I Could Capture It In a Bottle

First I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH ladies for your positive, sweet, and encouraging words! I cannot tell you how much it meant to me. Even brought tears to my eyes. Sooo very thoughtful and just what I needed. Life is going great! Of course I am lucky to have family and friends like you who help bring warmth and sunshine. MUAH!

It feels like I haven't wrote about my kiddos in a while and they are growing fast, so I need to keep up on all the growth which brings lots of laughs and smiles around.

In one month my baby will become a toddler. I will likely always call her my baby, but it will have a different meaning. Quite hard to believe she is already going to be 1! Her personality is changing right along with her age. She is becoming so vocal and even said "Naw-naw" while trying to push out "Mama" as I repeated those very words a hundred times over again. So I shall say that she was officially 10 mo old when she said Mama. Luckily I had witnesses who verified and agreed that this was certainly the case. Unfortunately, for me, she says "Dada" 90% of the times that I try and get her to say mama. I can't help but laugh and wonder if she does it on purpose!

She's becoming more spunky like her sister and actually is copying some bad habits of Lilah. For instance, she will push her bottom lip out as far as she can, gently "fall" to the ground, and arch her back when being scolded and let out a fake, no tears, "cry". Amazing how fast we pick up behaviors of those around us! Like Lilah, she loves to bounce and the crib is starting to feel the stress. It doesn't help that her sister who bounces more than Tigger used the crib before her.

Lovin her smiles too! She's poppin up teeth unlike the other 2 and makes sure to show them off with a squish of her nose and squinting of her eyes for added cuteness.

She eats her crackers in the most bizarre way. Rather than keeping them flat, she turns them horizontally and takes a bite right between her two front teeth. Definitely bother us adults to see such an odd bite. I think because we don't like having stuff stuck in our teeth and so we assume she wouldn't either, but she  certainly enjoys that "Do I have something stuck in my teeth" feeling.

She pulls herself up to stand on anything that is high enough to give her that extra oomph. This is a bit shocking since she refused to bear weight when we would try and stand her up just a couple of months ago. I have a feeling she will be walking soon, but try not to think about that too much.

I am happy to say that she is still a mommy's girl and has a hard time letting others hold her if I'm in her line of sight. OK so maybe it's not always a good thing, but it sure feels good to know that the minute she is in my arms, her tears come to a screeching halt!

Next is Miss Lilah. She has been staying busy being Brinlee's second mama and trying to keep her in line. You would think that being a little caregiver would want to make her be a big girl and go on the potty chair, but unfortunately that is not the case. I now have no doubt that she will not go on the potty because, as she stated, "I want to be a baby. I don't want to be a big girl. I want to wear diapers" I guess she feels she is ahead of her age in so many other ways that this will help give her balance? That is what I have concluded at least. She always helps get her own diaper, wipes, and even pulls out the powder for when she needs a diaper change. A few months ago she even changed her own diaper! I would have never even know about that hadn't it been for the soaking wet diaper she left on the living room floor and the fidgeting motions she was making trying to adjust the diaper that she applied only covering one butt cheek.

Then, there's the cute things she says. I wish we could capture the "I can't believe they said that" moments on video. I am sure there would be a lot more smiles and laughter in the world. I would love to press repeat on those moments when I'm having a bad day. One evening, she ate 3/4 of her apple and put the rest in the fridge to save for later. I thought it was so cute that she did it on her own without prompting and I told her, "You are sooo cute! I just want to eat you up!" She quickly replied, "No you can't eat me, I'm not supper." I chuckled and said, "Oh pretty please! I bet you taste yummy. You are just too cute." She responded, "No mom, you can't eat me. I'm not a cupcake!"

She still loves to color and draw. Anytime I give a card to her to sign, she takes the pink sparkly pen and decorates the entire inside, barely leaving room for our 4 signatures. An interesting thing was said by Mason the other day. Dave had noticed that Mason didn't color much of his fire safety coloring book from school and commented, "You aren't much of a colorer, are you Mase?" He replied, "Naahhh. Is it because Lilah is such a good colorer and I'm not?" We have never told Mason he wasn't a good colorer, nor did we imply it. However, we and a few others have went on and on to Lilah about how well she colors and I suppose Mason took it as a negative that we didn't say the same to him. Interesting how that works. We all seem to do better when we have that positive reinforcement. It makes sense that if you never hear praise about your work, you probably won't find it gratifying and worthwhile, and thus stop doing it.

I am thinking about putting Lilah in dance instead of tumbling this year. I would love for her to do both, but it would be time consuming and of course, financially too much money. She would be a natural at ballet. Hopefully I can better assess which one she prefers or she will be able to help decide which she likes best. I really want all of them to have opportunities to do fun things outside of home that is individualized for them.

Mason is enjoying preschool and making new friends. It's fun to hear about his day, the things he learned, and his interactions. The friend he talks about most is Myles. He's already talked about going to his house or Myles coming here. When did he get so big???

Tonight he told me that he wanted to stay on the couch and sleep "because my knees kind of hurt from too much fighting." Cracked me up a little. He wasn't talking about the fighting that happens between him and Lilah, but rather the pretend MMA fights that he has with the air or his stuffed spiderman. He sure knows how to talk me into things and it never fails that when he gets the sense that I may say no, he quickly flashes me his big brown eyes, bats his long lashes, gives me a suddle smile, wraps his arms around me, kisses my arm, and says, "I love you mom."

He has however had his 4 going on 13 moments. He would play video games 24/7 if we let him, says things like "come on, I just have to" and has even told Dave that he doesn't like him. Ouch! You get nervous and think, seriously, what is he going to be like when he's a teenager if he's already got the attitude of a teenager. I am hoping he takes his time getting there...

Mostly though, he is sensitive, empathetic, and caring. The other day my mom came over to watch the kids while Dave and I ran a couple errands. Mason was in the bathroom as we left and had we waited for him, we may not have gotten all the things done that needed to be done if you know what I mean. Mom said when he came out of the bathroom he was quite upset and said with disappointment, "But I just wanted to give them a hug and a kiss goodbye. If they just waited a minute, I was almost done." Oh be still my heart!

Keep Your Head Up!

I'm not gonna lie, I've not been on here because emotionally and physically I haven't been feeling great and didn't want to be a "debby downer." Then, as things started to look up, I was crazy busy planning Dave, my mom's, and my Birthday party. It was a lot of fun with a great turn out and I am so very thankful for all the family and friends who came out to help us celebrate. We were very overwhelmed with the generosity of everyone. It's very heartwarming after being in the dumps to feel the love of so many! It's times like that when you realize how fortunate you really are. We got to see people we haven't seen in a while and be surrounded by people who really make your positive energy flow.

It frustrates me to think that I allow people who don't have such an influence on me, to control much of my happiness. You know when you give advice to others having a rough relationships (whether these relationships be friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances) and you say, "Do you really want them to be your friend or in your life if they would treat you that way?" Well, I fully believe that this advice makes total and complete sense and I believe it to my core. Many times have expressed those words to others needing comfort. Yet, I find myself having a hard time letting go of the feelings that have pulled me down to a pit over the type of people who really don't share positive, caring, and kind words or actions. I suppose it goes back to the days when I was so very naive and thought that everyone in this world was kind and if they weren't then it was merely because they were having a bad day. Surely that is the case many, if not most of the time for people. You have a bad day and may say things or do things that you later feel bad about. However, there comes a point in life when you realize that there are people out there who on a day to day basis express negativity. It's not just a bad day for them, but a way of life. It's a hard thing to swallow that there are people who thrive on bringing others down, who only care about themselves. People who likely did not have it easy at a time in there life and have since not been able to get out of a rut that can suck the life and energy out of those around them.
I have never been the type to surround myself with these people because it's just not healthy. Have you ever been around someone who lightens up a room simply just by being there? Someone who you trust, someone who is almost more happy than you when you have good news? I actually have a co-worker like this. She is loved by all, has never said a bad thing about anyone, and just makes you feel at ease when you are in there presence. That is the type of person I strive to be and that is the kind of person I like to be around and for the most part am around. Why is it that one or maybe even two bad apples can ruin the entire bag of apples? And, why are these people so toxic? Why doesn't the many, many wonderfully amazing people over-ride such crap. I am still trying to prove this unfortunate reality wrong. In the end, we all know that those people who care about you are all that matter. Maybe I'm having a hard time actually letting go of the naive girl inside of me who wants to believe that there really is good in the bad.

Growing Entertainment

Entertainment in my life comes in the form of 3 little ones who seem to never stop surprising me. Whether it be their words or actions, I just cannot help but smile and many times laugh. I usually update some of their cute little moments on facebook, but really wanted to take the time and update here while also just talking a little bit about where they are at right now.

     Mason is getting ready to start preschool. He could not be any more excited. He plans on taking the River Rider bus which is a transportation company that gives rides to many people throughout the community, including hundreds of preschoolers. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't thought much about it because I know I will be a nervous wreck. Heck, writing about it now is bringing on feelings of fear! Unfortunately I couldn't make it to his preschool open house as Lilah fell fast asleep 2 hours prior to her normal bed time and I was simply exhausted after my beloved grandma's funeral. Dave ended up taking him and said things went well. Of course, Mason enjoyed exploring the "new" toys there. I worry about him not being able to focus and to be easily distracted and distracting to other kids. He has a hard time keeping focus at home and will talk to anyone about anything. My hope is that it will help him to stay on track and show us what we can help him work on to prepare for kindergarden in a couple years. The teachers thought Mason was in the wrong class because he is so tall. I'm telling you, our kids all picked up some pretty strong recessive genes!
  They encouraged us to work with Mason on cutting coupons as they discovered he could use more practice in this area. The other day, Dave got out the scissors and some left over ads and put Mason to work. Later that evening, Mason had told me that he practiced cutting coupons. I figured since he was bringing it up that he must've been excited and I assumed it went well for him. However when I asked how it went, he answered "Not good. I'm gonna have to do more cutting when I go to school." I told Dave what Mason had said and Dave said that Mason had a hard time because when Lilah saw Mason cutting, she insisted on also practicing and threw a fit about wanting his scissors and not the other ones that we had. Poor kid!
     He knows how to spell his name and does an ok job writing it too.
     Mason is still such a love bug. He is constantly coming up to me to give me hugs and kisses and tells me that he loves me. His kisses crack me up! He sticks his lips out as far as they will go and they look just like a duck bills! This is one thing I am no doubt going to miss someday. Sure he may still give me hugs and kisses, but there is not way that they will be as often, nor will his lips be puckered so cute.
     He talks endlessly about video games. Rarely do him and Dave play video games, but you would not know that if you talked to Mason. He wants to play 24/7 and I suppose talking about it keeps the idea alive!
     He recently turned 4 yo and had his well child visit. His doctor talks highly of Mason and has said more than once that he is one of his favorite patients. While sitting on the exam table during his appointment, the doctor told Mason how cool he was and then the doc made a fist and told Mason to give him some skin. With determination in his eyes, Mason just sat there. The doc said again, "Give me some skin." I thought, "what in the world? Why is Mason not doing it?" After more consentration, I hear a loud fart come out right out of him. The doc took a few steps back and the 2 of them busted out laughing. I could not believe it! I was so embarassed. The doc looked at Mason and said "That was awesome! Now give me some skin!" Oh boy.....!
     He really enjoys fishing with Dave. His stories are true fisherman tales. Whenever people ask him how big the fish was that he caught, the length from hand to hand widens as he talks! He talks about the stink worms and how much the fish likes them. It's so much fun to hear him talk about it. I have some great memories of fishing with my dad and hope Mason has many more.
     He's got dance moves that I've never seen before and isn't afraid to show them. He also loves to sing many songs beyond his time. Staying home with dad who plays his favorite music throughout the day will do that. Funny story is that one of the first songs he learned to sing was "Blue Eyes Crying In the Rain" by Willie Nelson. Well, one day while my dad was watching him at his house, they went to a garage sale and my dad bought that Willie Nelson CD and gave it to Mason. The whole way home from his house, we listened to that song over and over!
     He likes to use words like "cool" and "awesome." Sometimes I wonder if he is really only 4.

Little Miss Lilah is my little mama. Dave keeps saying that he's sure she will have like 12 kids when she gets older. She is constantly paying attention to Brinlee and always handing her a nuk or a toy or a blanket. When Brinlee wakes up in the morning, we will find toys in her crib that Lilah has tossed over for her. She has done this since Brinlee slept in a bassinet. While sitting next to Brinlee a while ago, Brinlee let out a sneeze. Lilah placed her hand on Brinlee's back and said in a soft, sweet voice, "Bless you Binlee, but next time you need to cover your mouth like this" and then gives a demo. Lilah has scolded Brinlee if she sees Brinlee throw a toy or snack off of her highchair tray she will say, "No Brinlee. I don't think so. That's naughty." She has fed her baby food if we set the bowl on the table near Brinlee and walk away for a brief moment. She is very attentive to her and never shown any signs of jealousy. It's a fun relationship to watch and I often wonder what it will become.
     She is so into babies that if we are out and about she will go right up to a stroller to oodle over the baby that she doesn't know. Normally she is shy to new people, but a baby will always get her attention.
     Her love of her dollies is just as sweet. She will swaddle them and hold them against her chest while trying to "burp" them. She places them in Brinlee's swing, highchair, or walker. She's even shown Mason's action figures motherly love by laying a cloth on top of them as a blanket.
     She LOVES to color and is great at it! She is creative and likes to learn. One day I heard her count up to 17. Like most kids, she is a sponge. Her memory is amazing. She retains so much. I think it has a lot to do with her love of books since an early age.
    She is stubborn and still throws the biggest tantrums around. Her scream could shattered glass. She can go from happy to mad in seconds and the only thing that cools her off is a time out. When she's mad, she needs time alone because she is in no mood for talking or hugs or whatever else you think could settle someone down.
    Her stubborness has held her back from being potty trained. She is in control and the ball is in her court. She will go pee on the potty chair with a little convincing, but it really seems to be on her terms. I have a feeling we are getting close to her being trained, but should "knock on wood" cause you just never can know for sure.
     She is 2 1/2 years old, but if you observed her for a day, you would think I was lying. She talks so well and knows so much that I often wonder where she learns it all.
     She will be getting her tonsils and adenoids out on Sept 9th. She snores so loud that sometimes it sounds like she is choking. She will have it done at Childrens and stay the night since she is under 3 yo. I am very nervous and pray that it will go smoothly and she will have a quick recovery. Ironically, her cousin will also be at Children's at the same time having heart surgery. Mason will also have a T&A in the next 2-3 months as he also snores and arches his head back so far back to breathe at night. These 2 older ones sure like to copy eachother, from severe peanut allergy to bad eczema to staph infections. We are lucky though because this is nothing compared to what some people have to go through.

     Sweet baby Brinlee, she is my honey. 9 months old already and showing us that she wants to be heard around here too! She is much more vocal and almost yells at times although it's all babble. It's funny how even though you don't know the things they are trying to say, you can still understand their emotions.
    She started to crawl a little over a month ago. Mostly the army crawl, but it certainly works well. She can even go from lying on her belly to sitting on her butt!
    She has started to wave good bye and is also clapping. It melted my heart seeing her do that. Really made me realize just how much she is growing.
    She is munching on more snack type foods and drinks from her sippy cup.
    When she gets excited her little legs just go crazy kicking up and down as she giggles.

It is so bitter sweet watching them grow. They melt my heart so much and to think that this will all be a distant memory someday is almost too much to bear!

    

    

Drama-rama

     One thing I never wanted to write about on here was drama. I believe that drama creates a negative pit. A pit that is shallow and easy to slip into because it is so shallow. It stares back at you so readily wanting you to take a step.
     I always used to refer to myself as a dramatic person, you know the kind of person that got a little more emotional about things. The kind of person who let my feelings show without hesitation. But the more I see true "drama" I realize that the word dramatic wasn't the meaning I was really trying to get across.The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the word I should have used was passionate. And lets face it, passionate sounds sooo much better than dramatic. Sure I may over react at times with my emotions, but I'd like to think that I try to keep them mostly control. It may just be that I have a different way of showing emotions, a less reserved way. I am getting off track though. My reason for picking this topic is because sometimes life brings you drama. You see, I for some reason have been pulled into the ugly pit of drama. The type of drama that creates very devastating, frustrating, and maddening feelings. It's something that I truly try to avoid. I always thought that everyone tried to avoid such a type of drama, but the older I get, the more I realize that there are all kinds of people out there.     
      Its hard to believe that I have gotten pulled into this kindof crap. I bet you are wondering what in the world I am talking about. But, going into detail would only create more drama and that is certainly not what I want to do. I do want to say that in the end of all the harsh words shot my way, I was furious and wanted so badly to respond. I had my defenses up and was truly armed and ready to throw back at a battle I thought for sure I would win. Had it not been for my wonderful family and friends who let me vent over the next 2 hours, I just may have fired back in immense furry. Thankfully though, that time that I had venting, I was able to let that fire inside of me to dwindle. No it's not completely extinguished, but I am at peace with my decision to hold my ammunition and not fire. In my eyes I can look back at the situation and know that I didn't say things that I may regret. I am now better prepared for if these flames erupt again as I have had time to stop, reflect, and pray.
     I have found that the older I get, the easier it is for me to handle peoples' misconceptions directly rather than let the person continue to talk about me behind my back. My heart almost always pounds right out of my chest when I face these people head on, but the relief I feel afterwards is so very worth it. You know why? Because almost always there is clarity and peace instead of tension and confusion. And if there is not any clarity or peace, then maybe the relationship just isn't meant to be and that is ok too. After all, we cannot change anybody. We can only change how we react to them.

A pain in my check, I mean neck!

I cannot believe that August is already here. I feel as if I have not been outside as much as I wanted to thus far since summer began. I'd like to say it's the weather that has been my main deterrent, but despite the inconsistent summer weather, I have found myself more exhausted and less motivated. I think work is catching up to me, switching from days to nights and nights to days, also having a higher census at work means working more and taking care of patients who maybe don't follow the "normal" labor or postpartum course. I am extremely dedicated to my career and put my all into patient care and I suppose that takes a bit of a toll. The other problem I've been dealing with is my neck.  The never ending neck dilemma. It's an issue that I feel may never get better for the long term. Funny story though, well maybe it's funny...I did have botox injections done for a second time to see if paralyzing my neck muscles would take away the pain and I was left feeling like a bobble head or baby who needed to do tummy time to build muscle strength. No lie, if I didn't place my hand over my forehead when bending over to pick up something, I was sure that my neck would fall right off my shoulders! I also had some difficulty swallowing, which if you ask my husband, was already an issue. Whoa! I just re-read that last sentence and that is NOT what I meant! What I mean is I go into choking spells just about every day while eating and am pretty sure that when I am old I will die from aspiration. So back to what I was saying. The botox made it more difficult to swallow as it must have migrated to my throat muscles. No fun at all! And to top it all off, it did not help decrease my pain. Anyways, enough about my stupid neck. I think that these things have a great effect on my motivation. Oh and then you know what I'm left with? Guilt. Guilt that I barely have the energy to change out of my scrubs some days after work and so you can imagine how difficult it can be to find the strength to get 3 little kids ready for the outside. But, I know the solution! I need to get more sleep at night. I need to make it a priority to get back into listening to my relaxation CD and get back into a good sleep habit. Not easy when your body is flipping back and forth, but it's something that I need to focus on. How do you like that? I blog and go on and on and eventually come to a possible solution!

Something happened to me while at work the other day. Something that has NEVER happened to me before. Something that I am embarrassed to talk about. Why am I sharing it for all eyes to see and possibly judge? Because I am human and this is an opportunity to possibly relate with someone else. So, it was lunch time at work and I was orienting a new RN. I had brought pizza from home, but did not bring anything else. The cafeteria has these amazing fruit parfaits that I can't seem to get enough of and so I was going to go grab one as an addition to my lunch. The new RN that I was orienting was pulling out a couple dollars from her pocket and asked me to grab her a chocolate milk while I was down there. I told her to put her money away cause I would cover it. I walk the long path to the cafeteria and grabbed my parfait and her choc milk and head right up to the cash register, hand the lady my debit card, and pull my pen out of my pocket ready to sign the receipt. It was no more than $4 total. One major problem. Within seconds, she looks at me with a surprised look and says "It's declined." A million thoughts run through my mind as she asks me if I want her to run my card through again. I can feel the heat rush to my face and quickly say "No that's ok. I have another card that I will go get that I know will be good." Before any tears flow, I rapidly head toward the Birth Center and am trying to figure out why my debit card was declined. Never has this happened to me and I wondered, really did it have to happen at work where I will see them all again day after day and then wonder what they think? Because I have a plan with my bank where they can take from my savings to cover my checking if needed, I was luckily not charged any fees and transferred the money before I even made it back to the cafeteria. I hadn't been keeping close track to my account balance or statements even though I knew it was pretty tight at that time. I came to find out that Golds Gym had still not reimbursed me $60 for frequent fitness credit from 6 months ago. No doubt, my saddened tears turned to anger as I was preparing my 3rd discussion with Gold's Gym managers after work. That is another story in itself, which shows a side of me I didn't even know I had, but back to this story...I came back down with my credit card in hand and saw a now packed cafeteria with a line and think "Great, I can only hope this transaction goes quickly and smoothly without having to explain the situation to someone else." Before I can even get halfway through the cafeteria, I see my Human Resource Director holding a tray with lunch, a parfait, and a choc milk. She looks at me and says "I heard you were having trouble with your card so this is on me" as she hands over the parfait and choc milk. I wanted to cry right then and there. I was very grateful, while at the same time thoroughly embarrassed at what may be crossing her mind. I always think the worse though and deep down know that she didn't judge. It's moments like this that can be almost unbearable and yet also wake you up to be more aware of your spending and make changes to not let such a thing happen again. Fortunately I've always been able to keep some amount of money in at least one of my accounts and am grateful for that. Yes sometimes it may be really tight, but we are content and comfortable with what we have. This was an opportunity to see the caring of my co-worker and also to have that "been there" feeling for when in the future I may witness the same experience. Many times we need to have these experiences before we can actually grasp and fully understand and not judge.

Tough Enough

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if one day you are just going about your normal business and the next thing you know a doctor is telling you that your days are numbered? I often wonder what that must feel like, but know that I could never really understand the depth of those feelings until perhaps that would happen to me. I am talking about cancer. That nasty disease that trys to destroy more peoples lives without saying a word. I remember in high school, I did a report on cancer and to be honest I didn't really understand half the words that I put on that paper, but one thing I will never forget was my teacher saying , "You know this is a disease that if you live long enough, you will get." Those are some pretty powerful words and maybe that's why I remember them. I know he wasn't directing them to me and was just directing them to people in general. I am beginning to think he may be right. Not that I am thinking I will get cancer and not to say that I am thinking that I am immune from getting it either. I just have noticed that the longer I live, the more people I know that have had to deal with that unfortunate card they were dealt. I had a friend named Jessie who was the most spunky, pretty, and sweetest girl you could ever meet. She was 24 yo and really tough I tell you. She got told at around the time I got married that she had cervical cancer and it was so bad that they recommended a hysterectomy. It was so unusual that she was referred to the Mayo Clinic. I remember hearing about all of this and worrying about her. We weren't close friends, but partied together and had many mutual friends. I remember her slurred, happy-go-lucky, funny speech as she held a Coors Lite in one hand and pulled another out of the cooler to hand to me. I'm getting off track, but she was a sweetheart. I wished I had known more about what was going on with the cancer, but the people I got my info from didn't know much more than that. I would ask occasionally if anyone had an update, but many said she didn't talk about it. I could understand that so I sent a card letting her know that we were thinking about her and praying for her. A couple years went by and the next thing I knew was that she was now fighting a terminal cancer in her liver. The cancer had spread. She was a tough cookie though and on her caringbridge page she wrote about how the worst thing a doctor told her was that there was no cure and basically no way to survive this. She was not going to let this get to her without a fight and boy did she fight! It makes me sad to look back now and not have shown more caring. Don't get me wrong, I prayed hard for her and I sent messages on her caringbridge site, but I wish I would have given her gift cards or books or music, something more, ya know. I could tell when the end was near for her. Her posts were no longer written by her. I remember being somewhat frustrated at the people who gave the "You can do it, you're strong" responses. I wanted to reach through the computer and tell them, she's given all she can! I wanted them to realize that this was it because I don't think that they truly understood that she was tired. I know they just were trying to be supportive though and I do get that. The sadness that overwhelmed me sparked something that really made me realize that when you know someone is suffering, there are so many things we can do to show our love and care. She died the day before her benefit. Do you know why she had a benefit? Because she didn't want to leave any bills or loans for her mother. She had a such a huge heart! Her wake and funeral was the most inspirational event I have ever been to. They had a closed casket with a beautiful picture of her next to it. I have never been to a funeral with a closed casket and as much as I would have loved to "see" her one last time, I got to see her beauty in a picture and not in a casket which would have shown what this horrible disease did to her. Who wants to be remembered like that? I won't ever have a vision of what the cancer did to her and I don't need that either. She had a beautiful voice and they played her voice singing songs that she recorded for her sister's wedding. How amazing is that??? She was an artist and her work was displayed for all to see. They read the emails that she had sent while going through chemo and it showed her wit and read exerts from her journal to show her huge heart. You know what else? The weather could not have been anymore beautiful! It was as perfect as "perfect" can be for a funeral. I often think of her amazing family. Jessie was the baby girl and left a deep hole in the hearts of many. For as long as I live I will remember her genuine words and particularly the words she left behind about being kind to those who you don't know. I try to live that and if I see someone struggling, I help and do so thinking about Jessie.

Ironically, my Aunt Kelly was diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long before Jessie had passed. It has spread to her lungs and she has put on her gloves and is fighting this nasty disease. I pray for her and have faith that she will beat it. So far she has had good results from her CT scans! I have learned from my previous experience how important it is to show my support and so we have made her a giant gift basket filled with goodies to keep her busy and sent her a card every 1-2 weeks. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go through all the side effects that the meds have on you, but am amazed at the will and determination that these women have to not let it consume them.

At work a few weeks ago, we had a "Tough Enough To Wear Pink" contest. Basically our hospital helps sponsor the Buffalo Rodeo and they work together to raise money to provide mammograms and such to women in the community. So, every year we have a fun contest to see who has the best pink outfit. Unfortunately there was only 1 judge and I didn't win, get 2nd, or 3rd place, but I was able to honor my Aunt and remember my friends who have battled cancer.

Where Has the Time Gone?

Not gonna lie, I feel terrible for not posting for another month. It's not like I haven't had things to write about either. I just haven't had time. I have been extra busy lately which I guess is a good thing, but I still need to make every effort I can to make time for blogging. It's funny cause it's like a friend you haven't talked to in a while. The more time that passes, the more your mind reminds you that you need to get in touch. So, here I am. As I write, I am trying to think of where to begin and it may be better for readers if I have a few different posts rather than one long never ending post to read.
I have been spending a lot of my hours making a photo/scrap book for Dave's parents. I am thinking that none of his family reads this blog so I should be ok to write about that. I want it to be a surprise for all of them, not just his parents. Dave has this box 1/4 full of random pics of his years growing up. Well I am part of this awesome website called Groupon.com and it offered $50 worth of book for just $15 at Mixbook.com. (If you're looking for great deals check this site out!) I've never made a scrapbook from a website, but it sounded intriguing so I thought since I had an awesome deal, I would give it a shot. I now understand a bit more what Jody does! I love all the photos that were thrown in this box and couldn't have thought of a better way to bring the memories back. It took me forever! Just like scrap booking, but it's much easier to edit. I may have found another hobby, lol! One great thing about this website is that you can upload pics and if you don't have time to make a book, it will make a book for you with no obligation to keep it. Of course, I wanted to make my own and add my own special touches, but it sure is a nice option. I did publish the book too, so if you want to check it out, just go to Mixbook.com and the book is called "Snapshots of Days Gone By." I can't wait to give it to Dave's parent's! I spent at least 36 hours on it, hence the fact that I've been MIA. I hope I can be near as creative as my cousin Jody someday, so maybe it won't take me so long to do!

M.I.A.

It's been so long since my last post I almost forgot my blog name! OK...maybe not that long, but seriously where the heck have I been? I've actually been quite busy and not just the mom of 3 kids ages 3 and under with a full time job outside of the home kindof busy.  We have actually been out and about doing things. It's kindof crazy cause we are typically homebodies, well actually Dave is the homebody and I usually end up having to drag him along to any extra activities. But, I have wanted to blog in the brief moments of spare time that I have had and really had a lot on my mind, but didn't know where to begin. That's not exactly true either, I could have started anywhere as my mind doesn't seem to stop lately, but didn't want to go on and on about stuff that I'm sure most really don't want to read about. To make it short and to the point, I will just say that I deal with chronic neck pain from 3 bulged discs and a condition called Spasmodic Torticollis and it's really thrown a wrench into much of my happiness. Thus, I've been trying to find answers to help me deal with this condition that is essentially starting to effect many aspects of my life. I think I am on the right path to finding those answers, but getting there takes time.

Now back to the other business of my life. We recently took a trip to the "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Say whaaat?" <-- Remember that song??? Oh if you don't, you're missing out ; )  Anyways, we went there for a full weekend to spend time at the water park. My dad, Patti, Aunt Kelly, Uncle Kirk, Holly, and Tyler met us there on Saturday ( a few weekends ago). We picked Ethan up on the way there so he could be there the whole weekend too. It was a lot of fun, especially for the kids! The area for little kids is perfect and there were lots of life guards to put our mind at a bit more ease. The water could have been warmer, but other than that it was a great time.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and it was packed full. We had friends over that we haven't seen in almost 4 years and then on Saturday we went to a bbq and bonfire. I forgot how relaxing sitting in front of the heat, staring at the the hypnotizing flames, and listening to the crackles of it can be. And not to forget the taste of sweet and sticky smores! It was wonderful! I can't wait till the next bonfire!

Then last Sunday, we got to bring the kiddos to my friend Larry's farm where he gave us a tour that I don't think they will ever forget! My favorite parts were probably watching Lilah and Mason hold the ducks and also them trying to milk a goat. It was so cute to see! Oh and Larry gave us some rhubarb to plant. Cannot wait to make rhubarb goodies!

Yesterday we went to visit my grandma. She is just so cute! She reminds me so much of my precious late Great grandma Manthey. Her hairs is grown quite a bit since the last time I saw her and is so puffy. I love it! She gets to eat regular food now instead of pureed crap or shall I say "garbage" as she refers to it! Actually she let us know that she didn't like her lunch yesterday either. When my mom asked her what she had for lunch she said "junk." Oh how I love her honesty! She's just this sweet tiny lady. Some of my favorite memories of her are:

Painting her nails and picking a color out of the drawer full of nail polish.

Admiring her long nails as I sat on her lap.

Helping her make ginger snaps. She would let me dip them in the sugar bowl before putting them on a pan.

Going to the flee market and on the ride back she would have these sayings like "lady bug, lady bug, fly away home. Your house is on fire. Your kids might burn." I know it sounds like a strange saying, but we got a kick out of it.

Her and Holly coming into the spare bedroom where I slept and waking me up saying, "sleepy head, sleepy head, time to wake up!"

Helping her in her large garden.

Watching Price Is Right and Wheel of Fortune with her.

I also remember she watched Judge Wapner and when my parents went to court for their divorce, I wanted to watch it cause I thought they might be on the show!

I miss those days and the times when grandma was able to do so much more with us. You know when we went to visit her yesterday she said, "I'm going to be buried at St. John's cemetery. I have my plot picked out and already paid for." My mom told her not to rush any of that. It sure makes you wonder why she said that. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness she can have while here with us!



I must say that my baby has been busy babbling away and even slipping the words "dada dada" out. I can't be certain if this is an intentional word for her, but as much as I don't want to admit, it is cute! Dada is always the first word to be spoken, I swear. She's also rolling around from tummy to back and vise versa quite a bit. She's loving her gerber baby food and has made it to 16 lbs! Her personality is is showing more and more. Mason can make her laugh with little to no effort and she has a connection with him unlike any other. Very fun to watch!

Lilah is still quite the little mama and Dave has caught her sneaking a chair up to the kitchen sink bright and early in the morning to "make" Brinlee a bottle. He said one morning Brinlee was holding a bottle that had more formula in it than water from Miss Lilah. When questioning Lilah about this, she said ever so simply, "Brinlee's hungry." Can't help but laugh...





Mama's Day

It's been a fabulous Mother's Day so far and can only get better! I woke up to Mason tapping my shoulder telling me I needed to get up because they made breakfast for me. He proceeded to give me a hug and a kiss and said, "Happy Valentines Day Mom." How cute is that?! I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen as Dave tells me I was suppose to stay in bed so he could bring me breakfast in bed. Ahhh so nice, but would be eating my breakfast as I fed Brinlee. Such a sweet thought and gesture. Beautiful white and red tulips were brightening up the kitchen table and 3 of the sweetest cards were also awaiting me. Lilah's card had what looked to be a heart drawn on it, but when I inquired about the darling shape, she said "No that's a circle." Of course it is! Haha! Tonight Dave is going to make NY strips and crab legs and he even got a bottle of wine too! What more can a girl ask for?

Today is a special day to acknowledge the special women in our lives who have influenced us in so many ways. My mom is an amazing women. She is kind, caring, empathetic, and strong. She has taught me to find a career that I will love. I have seen her work more hours than anyone I know just to keep her head a float. She is the hardest working lady I know and has never thrown her arms up through all the exhaustion and stress. Some of my favorite memories of us are:
At BeeBee Lake, she was sitting on a hill near the beach and I wanted to show her how far I could go in the water. I would call out her name until she acknowledged me and then would take a step back, each time pushing my luck. I had just tip-toed my last step when I saw her start to run down the hill toward me in her flared leg jeans. I remember seeing the green, thick colored water staring me back in the face as I calmly waited for my mother to pull me up to fresh air. I wasn't scared at all. I remember she sat my butt down in the sand and told me in frustration to "stay there." I didn't mind. She saved my life : )
Another memory of us was when her and my dad were still married. I only know this because the scene took place at the house they had built together. Otherwise I really don't barely have any memories of them together since I was so young when they seperated. I remember she drove this green colored hatch back and I also remember red on the hood or maybe the side panel. Anyways, I was sitting in the passenger seat and leaning on her as she let me put my hand on the steering wheel to "help" steer. This was such a big deal and I felt so big!
I remember her coming to my rescue and picking me up from my Grandma Kasper's house as I came home from kindergarten and nobody was home. I was so scared and it began to rain. My mom came to get me and when I got to her house, I warmed up in my little red rocking chair that grandpa made with a fresh change of clothes and a blanket draped around my back.
She always bought my sister and I a treat when it was her weekend to have us. There was these bracelet type things made from colored pantie hose that she got us one weekend and boy was that cool! We would also walk to Tom Thumb in hanover and get chicken drumsticks, Burpee drinks, or fruit snacks.
Oh and the Halloween blizzard in 1991. Who can forget that? She walked with my sister and I through the storm when all the other kids were heading in. As the snow piled on the streets, we kept trudging forward as my mom sang, "Oh the weather outside is frightful." That was the first time I had heard that song and always think of her and that night when its playing.
Mom is not one to mess with. If the neighbor kids were being mean to us, mom would stomp down the stairs, open the screen door, and yell across the yard at them. You almost wished she didn't know that your feelings were hurt because she wasn't gonna let us be bullied and everyone around would know that!
As I got older, she was my listening ear. I remember that I would go on and on about a story and she could barely keep her eyes open after a long day of working 2 jobs. I would just keep blabbing and didn't mind if she responded cause I just wanted to talk. Imagine that!
One of the most selfless things she did was let me help her with cleaning jobs when I dislocated my knee and couldn't waitress. She gave me most of her earnings from those jobs even though money was tight for her. I don't know how I would've gotten through that time without her help.
One of the greatest things mom has taught me was to always be kind to the people who aren't "cool." Mom would tell us stories about being teased as a kid and how awful it felt. I have made sure to not take part in any teasing and tried to make everyone around feel included because of her stories.


My step-mom, Patti, has been a big influence on me also. Without her, I don't think I would have made it to or through college. She guided me and helped me get into the nursing program and also helped me apply for scholarships. I learned a lot about responsibility through her. She has helped me figure out finances and is always willing to help out if we are ever in a bind. She has given helpful advice in all sorts of situations. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and thankful for the guidance she has given.

Sweetheart

Brinlee's been drooling like a mad woman for the past month and chewing on everything in sight, but so did the other 2 kids at this age. So as she was sitting on my lap and we were exchanging big smiles, a white glare from her mouth caught my eye. I thought, "hmmm maybe one's trying to poke through" and swooped my finger across her bottom gum, only to feel the sharp edges of her first tooth! I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited and picked up the phone to share the news with Dave. I couldn't believe it! The other kids didn't get their first tooth until at least 6 months so this was unexpected. And, she is my baby. Things are not suppose to move faster. But, I guess this is just one of the many things that are out of my control. My happiness quickly turned to a tiny bit of sadness as I realized this was another step toward toddler hood.

I must add how much of a little love bug she is. She just loves to be nestled up face to face, cheek to cheek. And, if you have a space between your face and her's, she will en wrap her little hands around your cheeks to show her love. Her name means "sweetheart" and I think we picked right : )

My better half

I haven't wrote about the one person who has been by my side over the past 11, almost 12 years. Dave is my best friend. We met at our friend Angie's house in Champlin. I will never forget that night. I wasn't planning on going out. I had come home from working at Perkins and was ready for bed. As I was getting ready to put my pajamas on, my friend Angie, called me begging to come over. I said no, but was persuaded quickly. When I made it through her front door, I looked across the room and sitting at the kitchen table was this guy who was arm wrestling some other guy. We made eye contact and he had the biggest smile I had ever seen with dimples to go along with it. I smiled back and went on to the other room to chat it up with the people I knew. As the night went on, I wanted to know more about this guy with a great smile. I sat at the table next to him and we started talking about mudding. He didn't talk much. I asked most of the questions, but he didn't expand much on the answers. I managed to find out that he had a big family and had sheep. The night passed and by 5 am it was time to go home, but he (being a small town guy) didn't know how to get back home. So, I told him he could follow me and by the time we hit highway 241, he thought he'd be funny and pass me. I liked his confidence and I wanted to know more about him. He had this mysteriousness that intrigued me. I called my friend the next morning and had her give him my pager number (yep remember when pagers were big?!). I got an unusual page a couple days later while at work and figured it was him. I will never forget his mother on the other end of the line. She had this high pitched "DAVID!" yell. She yelled his name at least 3 times before Dave finally came to the phone. I really had some interesting ideas of who his mom was. Thankfully, she was no where near what images I had in mind! Our first official date was the 4th of July at Delano carnival/fireworks with a random date at the Rogers truck stop in-between. Who could have known what the future would hold???
I am sooo very thankful that we managed to work out. We have had our struggles and break ups, but through it all, we have found light at the end of the tunnel. I learned that relationships are hard work at times, but that is how relationships grow. If we can work out our differences, happiness will shine through. Thank God, we have been willing to work through troubled times. My cousin wrote in our wedding card, "Keep the ups and downs between the sheets." I love that! Although I don't always follow that rule, I think it's important because in the end it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
Dave is an amazing husband. He is caring, loving, funny, smart, and selfless. He is a great partner. He cooks, cleans, and shares the work of the kids. I always say that I hope I don't die before him because I just don't know how I could function. He's truly my "better half." He really makes my life complete in so many ways. I am very lucky and very thankful for him.

There are no words

What an emotional day I have had. I am reminded more than ever how precious life is. I went to a conference on caring of the sorrow during pregnancy & infant loss and although the title would have you expect that tears would be shed, nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming feelings that are overcome while hearing the stories of loss. You cannot help but try and imagine what it would be like to go through such grief. I could never truly know what that pain must be like. The deep sadness I felt today must've been just a fraction of what the parents, grandparents, and siblings go through. My heart goes out to those who have had to deal with this pain. I came home and got choked up as I watched Brinlee peacefully sleep in her swing and watched Lilah and Mason running through the backyard giggling and playing. The word grateful is an understatement for what feelings I have to be able to watch them grow. I learned a lot today and hope to help pass on the messages that were given so that we may excell in our care for patients during this difficult time.
A quote from today's conference that really struck a nerve "When we lose a parent, we lose our past. When we lose a child, we lose our future"
May God bring peace to all of those who have suffered such loss and bring comfort in dark moments of mourning.

Kids say the darndest things!

Lilah LOVES books. I love reading to her too. I was reading her a book with animal sounds and really enunciated the farm animal sounds. We were having our little moment, she was giggling as I really gave my all with the "oink oink" and "quack quack" noises. As we were in the zone, I heard Mason from the background saying "That's too loud. That's too loud on my ears." Taking a brief moment to see what the fuss was about, I replied, "What's too loud?"  As he walked past me, he casually looks over and says, "Ummm, your mouth." Thanks Mase.....

My mom came over to watch the kids last evening as Dave and I went to April and Dan's wedding. Thank God we are so lucky to have parents so available and willing to help watch the kids so we can have one less thing to worry about while out and about. When we came home from the wedding, my mom reported that all went pretty well, minus the usual Mason and Lilah tiffs over toys. She said that Lilah came up to her and said "I need my diaper changed." She was going to change Lilah's diaper and before doing so, she told Lilah that she should go potty on the potty chair. Lilah looks at her and says, "Nooo." So, mom says, "Mason goes potty on the potty chair. He's a big boy, aren't you Mason." Mason says "Yep." Then mom says, "Don't you want to be a big girl?" Lilah says, "No." Mom says, "Why not?" Lilah says, "Because I want to be Lilah." She sure is stubborn and I'm not sure I can convince her that she can still be Lilah and be a big girl since this is the second time she's said this...

Mason was upset yesterday because he wanted 2 pillows that Lilah was laying on. The thing is, we have 5 of these exact same pillows, but he decided to make a battle and tried to take the ones she had. So, Dave told him to leave Lilah's pillows alone and tried to calm the situation by giving Mason other pillows. Mason was upset and started stomping and punching the pillows. Dave says, " Are you mad now?" While pouting, Mason says "No." Dave says, "Are you gonna hit the pillow?" Mason a little bit louder says "No." Dave says, "Are you gonna stomp your feet?" With frustration Mason replies, "No." Dave says, "Do you need a hug?" Mason as if defeated says "Yeah." Sometimes its as simple as that!

Dave had taken Mason on a dirt bike ride and the next day Mason says, "Hey dad, wanna go for a rip?"

Brinlee is only 2 days away from being 5 months old. I've decided to try and not rush her age by saying "almost 5 months." If she's 4 months and 28 days, then to me, she is still 4 months. She is getting stronger and actually strengthening her little legs by jumping up and down in her jumper. She is also able to sit up pretty good with some assistance. My favorite things that she's doing right now is her vocalization. She's trying to talk and I am using every opportunity to embed the words "mama" in her head. We shall see if she will be the first out of our 3 to say mama instead of dada first. She also loves kisses and will plant her voluptuous cheeks on our lips. She's such a sweetie! The smiles are coming more freely which is a nice bonus. Lovin her sweetness!

Mason and Lilah getting along

Brinlee caught in a smile!

Life on earth is short

I can't help but think of my own mortality or for that matter my husband's, my mother's, my father's, my kid's, my friend's, and really anyone close to my heart. It's something that seems to be on my mind the older I get. Of course as we get older, we are witness to more death and with age will also bring the deaths closer to home than I would like. Death is not something that many will talk about and understandably so. It brings up feelings of deep sadness and questions our faith. For some, death can mean peace and closure. I suppose it depends on who died and how they died, but mostly it can forever change who we are.
Why am I thinking about this and why did I decide to write about it? Well, as I said in the beginning of this post, it's been something that's been on my mind. Going to a wake and seeing first hand the grief, heartbreak, and new found emptiness tugged at my heart strings. It makes me wonder when my time will come or a worst thought, when the time of my loved ones will come. Will I die before them? I often hope that I will not have to grieve the loss of my dearest loved ones. Just the thought makes me anxious. I don't know how I could handle it. Not that I don't think they will be in a beautiful place after this life and truly home, but in my own selfishness, I don't know how I'd be able to carry on. So, I try not to think about that too much as it will only make me sad and no use being sad over something that could happen. But, I also think it's important to understand the grieving process.
I did a presentation on grief in high school and felt a true understanding on what all the stages of grief are. I feel it is very important to understand this because things we don't understand are things we cannot connect to. If we cannot connect to these important feelings, then we are no use in helping those who suffer their loss. I found through my studies that most people avoid talking about the person who passed in fear that they will upset the grieving heart. After all, what do you say? What if you say the wrong thing? Well, in actuality, people who are grieving are constantly thinking about their loved one that passed and find comfort in sharing their feelings or stories about the person. They want to know that you have not forgotten about them. Yes, this may cause some tears to be shed, but it's only natural and it's healthy to let these emotions flow. My heart weighs heavy on those who have suffered great loss and I pray that they will find comfort and peace in those dark moments of mourning. This life is short, but when struggling through loss, the days can drag on. This is why it is so important to treasure every moment and not sweat the small stuff.

A memory from someone dear to my heart: My Great-grandma Manthey was the sweetest lady. I remember her sitting at my grandparents' kitchen table with her soft pastel colored sweater draping over her shoulders. She had this dark wooden cane that my sister and I would take turns walking with. Another day she was sitting in the big corner chair in the living room and my sister and I were directly behind her combing her hair. While combing through the silver strands, one of us stops and says, "Grandma, don't you ever comb your hair?!" She never forgot that moment and continued to share that story with all she encountered for the years that came! Every time we hugged her, she would pat our hip and say, "Bless your little heart." I just loved her so!

Lost his marble

The other night Mason was trying to reenact a scene from the movie "Fantastic Mr. Fox." There is this scene where one of the characters takes a tube of some sort and shoots blueberries out of it by blowing in the tube, kind of similar to shooting spit balls out of a straw. Well he took a stray marble from one of our games and then used the vacuum attachment as his shooter. I was in the kitchen and did not see what happened next. Dave says he was unsuccessful at shooting the marble out the attachment, so he needed to analyze the problem. With the marble still in place, he pointed the attachment toward the ceiling to see what may have been the problem. Well, down slid the marble at full speed into Mason's open mouth, down his throat, and into his stomach. A loud gulp was heard, along with the words from Dave "You swallowed the marble didn't you?" I was in a bit of a panic while hearing this, but Mason was calm as could be and said "yep." Dave laughed it off and went back to what he was doing while I speed dialed the clinic line to see if he needed to be brought in. Because of his age, the lady on the line said he should go to the ER. So, my reluctant hubby got ready and away they went. Within the hour, the two were back with the x-ray. Dave explained that my cool as a cucumber son was asked "Can you see it?"  and he said non shaulantly, pointing to the x-ray "Yep, there it is. That's the purple marble I swallowed." I asked Mason if he knew how the marble was going to get out of his tummy and he starting coughing and said "Um yeah, I'm just gonna cough it out of my mouth." I explained that he would have to poop it out and I think it took some time for him to digest that thought.
The next day was the big day. He was sure he seen it in the toilet, but Dave said it stunk so bad in there that he needed to flush the toilet and didn't feel it necessary to stand and examine. Mason was disappointed that Dave did that, but I sure do not blame him! Here's to hoping we don't need to make anymore trips to the ER, at least anytime soon.

Nice to meet you

Lilah is my spunky girl. She always has been. I remember when we were in the hospital after her birth, I could hear her screams down the hall because she was ready to eat. There was nothing gradual about when she got mad. It was all or none. On the morning we were suppose to go home, I walked to the nursery window and the nurse was trying to get her blood pressures, but Lilah wasn't having it. She was beet red in the face and screaming with all her might. As you know, I work in the nursery and there are things that we can do to try and calm a baby so we can get accurate blood pressures, like use a pacifier dipped in sugar water to soothe them, but not my girl. She wanted to eat right then. So, the blood pressures had to wait and out to me she came.
After her feeding, she went back to the nursery to get blood pressures. While she was in there, the PCT came to my room with a bag of Lilah's clothes. Turns out Lilah had projectile pooped all over everything, her clothes, her crib, her blanket. To be honest, I had changed hundreds of diapers, but never heard of projectile poop, so it was a little hard to picture what had happened. Fast forward a couple days later. We were at home and I was changing Lilah's already poopy diaper. Well, before I could get her clean diaper on, out shoots this fountain of poop, all over the changing table, and onto the carpet a couple feet away. I was shocked and panicked! I guess she would show me the true definition of projectile poop!
I guess when I think of who my kids are, it seems that their little personalities were already formed before they were born. From the first day of life Lilah was spunky. Mason was sensitive and it showed with his quivering lip. Brinlee is quiet and content. I know these personalities will be shaped by life experiences, but how amazing is it that if we really tune in, we can get to know who they are within hours of life. I think there are somethings that we cannot change about ourselves, somethings that just make us who we are from the very beginning. Although there are many things around us that we can control, perhaps this "personality" we see is a glimpse into our spirit.

It ain't nothing but a number. Right?

Do you know that for the past week I've been telling everyone that Brinlee is 3.5 months old? Guess what? It just hit me this evening as I was exchanging smiles and coos with her that she in fact just turned 4 months. 4 months already. And though it feels like she has been with us longer, actually having to say that she is now 4 months seems crazy! I was thinking about how we count the months of their life for 12 to maybe 18 months and then start referring to their age in years or years and a half after that. So, when I think about it, I could already be 1/4 done with referring to her age in months. Sad. Actually, I think I may continue to count her months until at least 18 months and maybe longer...I don't know that I will ever feel ready to count my baby's age in years. It's just unreal to think about how fast life goes the older you get. We all say that life is short, but man I thought about the fact that I'm turning 30 in November and those years flew by. Then think about how much faster another 30 years will fly and then I will be considered close to elderly. WHAT?! Well, I looked it up and depending on who you ask "elderly" can mean more than a number. In any case, I remember when 30 seemed old and now I'm thinking 60 seems old or at least "getting up there" in age, ya know? But, have no fear, I am going to rock whatever age I get to, haha! It's inevitable though, the number will not stop going up. If we can truly grasp that concept, then we can maybe truly remember just how short life really is.

Heartfelt thoughts: Today and this past weekend, I am thinking and praying for all the people effected by the tsunami. I hope that those deeply effected may find peace and healing after such devastation. I pray that they will feel comfort during such great loss.

Nothing Really?

I feel like it's been forever since my last post, but it hasn't even been 1 week. I think that it's because I'm over due on reflecting and just letting go. My mind has been racing lately and I've been over analyzing and worrying too much, thus the need to come here more to just let it go. I hate the feeling of not being able to shut my mind off and just relax. But, as I would make my way to the computer and think about what to write....I had nothing. Well, nothing that seemed worth writing about I guess. Really though? With all the stuff that moves through my mind I couldn't think of something to write? Well not entirely. I just wanted it to be something worth while especially if others are reading this. But, then I thought about it and realized that sometimes writing down all those "nothings" can really affect my "everything." My well being, my sleep, my energy, and the people around me.
So what is on my mind? Well, I went to the doc today in hopes to finally get the packing removed from my arm pit. I've had to have it removed and re-inserted 3 times this past week so I was not going to be surprised if he told me that it needed to be done again. I've adapted to it to some degree and as it's healing, it's been easier to handle. And, I would much rather take the packing over needing stronger antibiotics that prevent me from nursing (just another thing that I've been stressing might happen if this thing doesn't heal). Lucky for me, he removed it and said it could stay out. Woohoo! That's what I wanted to hear. One little thing that I'm not jumping up and down for is the care I have to do until this thing is completely healed. A warning: What you are about to read is not for weak stomachs. I now have to wipe the area around the hole with betadine and then stick the blunt end of the swab into the hole to keep it open until it completely closes itself during the healing process. Well, I can tell you that I am not going to be doing that! Dave is! It doesn't even really hurt to have done, but the thought makes me weak. I know, I know, again here I am this "can handle just about anything" nurse, but "cannot handle just about anything" patient.
I also haven't made it to the gym, but once this past week because of the abcess. O.K. that right there may have something to do with all this worry that I've been doing. I just had an "ah ha" moment! Duh! (notice how I went from Oprah "ah ha" to "duh" Charlie Sheen, wow, haha) Going to the gym must really help me to relax more, sleep better, and have more energy. I mean, I knew that, but didn't realize till I missed the gym over this past week just how much it helps me in so many ways. It's not just writing on here that helps, but also working out. Tonight we turn our clocks ahead, but I am bound and determined to wake up early and get a workout in regardless of how tired I may be. I need it!
I am already feeling some relief. Just taking the time to reflect on a couple of the things that are on my mind has helped me process it all one sentence at a time without the constant interruption of the many other things I also think about.

Cute Moment: We bought rock band for our Play Station 2 from a good friend of mine and Mason was so very excited to play it. When it was all set up and we all had our instruments, Dave on guitar, me on mic, Lilah on drums, and Mason on the other guitar. You should have seen Mason rock! He didn't have a care in the world and was boppin his head up and down and shakin his hips in perfect rhythm! He was in the zone and truly a natural!

Miss Lilah, my little shoe lover was pulling out stickers from her Mickey Mouse coloring book and came across a Minnie Mouse high heel shoe sticker. She put the sticker on the floor and puts her foot on top of it as if to try on the much smaller sticker on and says "Look at the shoe mom!" I said "Cool!" and she says "No....it's cute mom." Well then!

A Bump In The Road

It's been a long couple of days. It all started Wednesday, when I had a sore in my armpit that was causing me some pain. I was at work, talking to my co-worker about it and she said it sounded like I maybe had an in grown hair. I have never had one before and if I did it must not have bothered me enough to know that that's what the problem was. So, I went home that morning and took a good look at this pea sized round bump under my skin trying to find anything unusual that may be causing the annoying problem. I even grabbed my mirror that enlarges images 10X and investigated, but couldn't really see the culprit. So, I had Dave, who by the way thinks I over react whenever I think something must be wrong with me, and told him to play doctor (in the not fun way!) and see if he could figure out the cause of my discomfort. He gave my arm pit a 2 second look and said he may have found what could be in grown hairs. I was pretty tired and willing to do what needed to be done to hopefully get rid of this. So, I grabbed the tweezers, soaked them in alcohol, handed them over, closed  my eyes, held my breath, and told him to take them out. "OUCH! I think you pulled off some of my skin!" I said. He assured me he'd gotten the hairs from the center of the lump and not my skin. Whew, I fell into bed, hoping to wake up with the problem gone.
I pulled myself to the bathroom, still groggy from my sleep, looked into the mirror, only to see the bump was not only still there, but now more pink. Ugh! Later that night, I got to work and consulted with  my nurse friend and this time I wanted her to take a look. She looks and says I should probably have it checked out. No need to convince me to see the doc. As the night went on, the burning pain was increasing and I was just hoping my doc would be able to fit me into her already booked schedule on a Friday. Great, I have the weekend off and now have to deal with who knows what is going on in my arm. Luckily for me, the doc was able to fit me in, unfortunately it would be right in the middle of my sleep (since I worked nights), but I was ready to take whatever I could get. I strolled into the clinic in a daze and was happy to be seen right away. Diagnosis: Cellulitis. If it gets bigger it would maybe need to be lanced and drained, but until then, antibiotics, heat, and pain meds would hopefully get me through.
The next 24 hours, I found myself looking at the lump every time I passed the bathroom mirror. Of course, I also had to have Dave look every time too. You could tell he was getting tired of looking at it by the roll of his eyes and response of "Yep still looks red and swollen." My whole arm started to tingle and  the burning pain was getting more intense. The cherry red diameter was growing and lifting my arm was no longer a taken for granted luxury. I thought to myself, "maybe I need to give the antibiotics more time." I really didn't want to go into ER to have it lanced and more importantly I was nervous that they would put me on a different antibiotic where I wouldn't be able to nurse Brinlee. I've been there, done that with Mason and boy was that depressing. Pumping and dumping for 10 days, only to find out that the infection I had at that time, did not go away and thus I needed to do it all over again. But, over the next 24 hours, it became clear that this bump was not going away and was screaming at me to go get it checked out again. So, I gathered up a magazine, my Ipod, and a bottle of water and headed to the ER. Thank goodness I brought those things, since the wait time was 2 hours before I saw a doc. Don't get me wrong though. I didn't mind the wait. After all, the fate of this lump was in the doc's hands and I wasn't looking forward to what was sure to come.
I settled on the gurney, shut my eyes, and tried to sleep while I waited. The doc comes in and my relaxed feelings took a back burner. My mind was already spinning with what I was sure he would say before he even has a chance to tell me. After a brief hx, a look, and feel of this lump, which by the way is in my right arm, he tells me it will need to be lanced.
He left the room to gather his supplies and I looked up at the white tiles in the ceiling and said a prayer. I needed strength. I was over tired and could feel the emotions flooding through. He prepped my arm, I grabbed the side rail with my left arm, and took a few deep breaths. 4 pokes to infuse the numbing medicine, which stung so bad you would think it was on fire. It took everything in me to not pull my right arm away. It was finally numb and he did what he needed to do. I didn't even want to catch a glimpse of what was going on so I made sure to keep my head turned the other way. Isn't it something when you are the patient?? I can assist or clean wounds without a problem, but my whole demeanor changes when I'm the one needing treatment. He ended up packing the lump, which won't be removed till Tuesday. This sucks! Then he says he wants to add another antibiotic. Before I can ask that it be something that is compatible with nursing, I feel my eyes well up with tears. Thanks to my lack of sleep, hormones, and vivid memory from my previous experience were all flooding me with emotions. The doc checked with the Pharmacist and found a med that I was able to take while continuing to nurse. Whew! What a relief! Now, I pray that this will finally heal.
I know there are a lot of worse things that could be happening right now. This is just a little bump in my road. What is sad is that Mason and Lilah go through this similar experience quite often. I have empathy for them each time, but now a greater sense of what they must be going through. I am hoping that they will grow out of it and not have to deal with it for the rest of their lives. They sure are tough little cookies, unlike their mama!

Cute Memory: About 6 months ago while I was pregnant, Mason and I layed on the couch watching "My Sister's Keeper." I thought I knew what this movie was going to be about, but it turned out to be far greater than I imagined. Well, I was sobbing like a baby and unable to stop when Mason turned to me. Without saying a word, he grabbed my hand and interlocked his fingers into mine and then wiped a few of my tears. Boy, did the tears pour out after that! It was one of the most precious moments of my life!