Tough Enough

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if one day you are just going about your normal business and the next thing you know a doctor is telling you that your days are numbered? I often wonder what that must feel like, but know that I could never really understand the depth of those feelings until perhaps that would happen to me. I am talking about cancer. That nasty disease that trys to destroy more peoples lives without saying a word. I remember in high school, I did a report on cancer and to be honest I didn't really understand half the words that I put on that paper, but one thing I will never forget was my teacher saying , "You know this is a disease that if you live long enough, you will get." Those are some pretty powerful words and maybe that's why I remember them. I know he wasn't directing them to me and was just directing them to people in general. I am beginning to think he may be right. Not that I am thinking I will get cancer and not to say that I am thinking that I am immune from getting it either. I just have noticed that the longer I live, the more people I know that have had to deal with that unfortunate card they were dealt. I had a friend named Jessie who was the most spunky, pretty, and sweetest girl you could ever meet. She was 24 yo and really tough I tell you. She got told at around the time I got married that she had cervical cancer and it was so bad that they recommended a hysterectomy. It was so unusual that she was referred to the Mayo Clinic. I remember hearing about all of this and worrying about her. We weren't close friends, but partied together and had many mutual friends. I remember her slurred, happy-go-lucky, funny speech as she held a Coors Lite in one hand and pulled another out of the cooler to hand to me. I'm getting off track, but she was a sweetheart. I wished I had known more about what was going on with the cancer, but the people I got my info from didn't know much more than that. I would ask occasionally if anyone had an update, but many said she didn't talk about it. I could understand that so I sent a card letting her know that we were thinking about her and praying for her. A couple years went by and the next thing I knew was that she was now fighting a terminal cancer in her liver. The cancer had spread. She was a tough cookie though and on her caringbridge page she wrote about how the worst thing a doctor told her was that there was no cure and basically no way to survive this. She was not going to let this get to her without a fight and boy did she fight! It makes me sad to look back now and not have shown more caring. Don't get me wrong, I prayed hard for her and I sent messages on her caringbridge site, but I wish I would have given her gift cards or books or music, something more, ya know. I could tell when the end was near for her. Her posts were no longer written by her. I remember being somewhat frustrated at the people who gave the "You can do it, you're strong" responses. I wanted to reach through the computer and tell them, she's given all she can! I wanted them to realize that this was it because I don't think that they truly understood that she was tired. I know they just were trying to be supportive though and I do get that. The sadness that overwhelmed me sparked something that really made me realize that when you know someone is suffering, there are so many things we can do to show our love and care. She died the day before her benefit. Do you know why she had a benefit? Because she didn't want to leave any bills or loans for her mother. She had a such a huge heart! Her wake and funeral was the most inspirational event I have ever been to. They had a closed casket with a beautiful picture of her next to it. I have never been to a funeral with a closed casket and as much as I would have loved to "see" her one last time, I got to see her beauty in a picture and not in a casket which would have shown what this horrible disease did to her. Who wants to be remembered like that? I won't ever have a vision of what the cancer did to her and I don't need that either. She had a beautiful voice and they played her voice singing songs that she recorded for her sister's wedding. How amazing is that??? She was an artist and her work was displayed for all to see. They read the emails that she had sent while going through chemo and it showed her wit and read exerts from her journal to show her huge heart. You know what else? The weather could not have been anymore beautiful! It was as perfect as "perfect" can be for a funeral. I often think of her amazing family. Jessie was the baby girl and left a deep hole in the hearts of many. For as long as I live I will remember her genuine words and particularly the words she left behind about being kind to those who you don't know. I try to live that and if I see someone struggling, I help and do so thinking about Jessie.

Ironically, my Aunt Kelly was diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long before Jessie had passed. It has spread to her lungs and she has put on her gloves and is fighting this nasty disease. I pray for her and have faith that she will beat it. So far she has had good results from her CT scans! I have learned from my previous experience how important it is to show my support and so we have made her a giant gift basket filled with goodies to keep her busy and sent her a card every 1-2 weeks. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go through all the side effects that the meds have on you, but am amazed at the will and determination that these women have to not let it consume them.

At work a few weeks ago, we had a "Tough Enough To Wear Pink" contest. Basically our hospital helps sponsor the Buffalo Rodeo and they work together to raise money to provide mammograms and such to women in the community. So, every year we have a fun contest to see who has the best pink outfit. Unfortunately there was only 1 judge and I didn't win, get 2nd, or 3rd place, but I was able to honor my Aunt and remember my friends who have battled cancer.