Tough Enough

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if one day you are just going about your normal business and the next thing you know a doctor is telling you that your days are numbered? I often wonder what that must feel like, but know that I could never really understand the depth of those feelings until perhaps that would happen to me. I am talking about cancer. That nasty disease that trys to destroy more peoples lives without saying a word. I remember in high school, I did a report on cancer and to be honest I didn't really understand half the words that I put on that paper, but one thing I will never forget was my teacher saying , "You know this is a disease that if you live long enough, you will get." Those are some pretty powerful words and maybe that's why I remember them. I know he wasn't directing them to me and was just directing them to people in general. I am beginning to think he may be right. Not that I am thinking I will get cancer and not to say that I am thinking that I am immune from getting it either. I just have noticed that the longer I live, the more people I know that have had to deal with that unfortunate card they were dealt. I had a friend named Jessie who was the most spunky, pretty, and sweetest girl you could ever meet. She was 24 yo and really tough I tell you. She got told at around the time I got married that she had cervical cancer and it was so bad that they recommended a hysterectomy. It was so unusual that she was referred to the Mayo Clinic. I remember hearing about all of this and worrying about her. We weren't close friends, but partied together and had many mutual friends. I remember her slurred, happy-go-lucky, funny speech as she held a Coors Lite in one hand and pulled another out of the cooler to hand to me. I'm getting off track, but she was a sweetheart. I wished I had known more about what was going on with the cancer, but the people I got my info from didn't know much more than that. I would ask occasionally if anyone had an update, but many said she didn't talk about it. I could understand that so I sent a card letting her know that we were thinking about her and praying for her. A couple years went by and the next thing I knew was that she was now fighting a terminal cancer in her liver. The cancer had spread. She was a tough cookie though and on her caringbridge page she wrote about how the worst thing a doctor told her was that there was no cure and basically no way to survive this. She was not going to let this get to her without a fight and boy did she fight! It makes me sad to look back now and not have shown more caring. Don't get me wrong, I prayed hard for her and I sent messages on her caringbridge site, but I wish I would have given her gift cards or books or music, something more, ya know. I could tell when the end was near for her. Her posts were no longer written by her. I remember being somewhat frustrated at the people who gave the "You can do it, you're strong" responses. I wanted to reach through the computer and tell them, she's given all she can! I wanted them to realize that this was it because I don't think that they truly understood that she was tired. I know they just were trying to be supportive though and I do get that. The sadness that overwhelmed me sparked something that really made me realize that when you know someone is suffering, there are so many things we can do to show our love and care. She died the day before her benefit. Do you know why she had a benefit? Because she didn't want to leave any bills or loans for her mother. She had a such a huge heart! Her wake and funeral was the most inspirational event I have ever been to. They had a closed casket with a beautiful picture of her next to it. I have never been to a funeral with a closed casket and as much as I would have loved to "see" her one last time, I got to see her beauty in a picture and not in a casket which would have shown what this horrible disease did to her. Who wants to be remembered like that? I won't ever have a vision of what the cancer did to her and I don't need that either. She had a beautiful voice and they played her voice singing songs that she recorded for her sister's wedding. How amazing is that??? She was an artist and her work was displayed for all to see. They read the emails that she had sent while going through chemo and it showed her wit and read exerts from her journal to show her huge heart. You know what else? The weather could not have been anymore beautiful! It was as perfect as "perfect" can be for a funeral. I often think of her amazing family. Jessie was the baby girl and left a deep hole in the hearts of many. For as long as I live I will remember her genuine words and particularly the words she left behind about being kind to those who you don't know. I try to live that and if I see someone struggling, I help and do so thinking about Jessie.

Ironically, my Aunt Kelly was diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long before Jessie had passed. It has spread to her lungs and she has put on her gloves and is fighting this nasty disease. I pray for her and have faith that she will beat it. So far she has had good results from her CT scans! I have learned from my previous experience how important it is to show my support and so we have made her a giant gift basket filled with goodies to keep her busy and sent her a card every 1-2 weeks. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go through all the side effects that the meds have on you, but am amazed at the will and determination that these women have to not let it consume them.

At work a few weeks ago, we had a "Tough Enough To Wear Pink" contest. Basically our hospital helps sponsor the Buffalo Rodeo and they work together to raise money to provide mammograms and such to women in the community. So, every year we have a fun contest to see who has the best pink outfit. Unfortunately there was only 1 judge and I didn't win, get 2nd, or 3rd place, but I was able to honor my Aunt and remember my friends who have battled cancer.

Where Has the Time Gone?

Not gonna lie, I feel terrible for not posting for another month. It's not like I haven't had things to write about either. I just haven't had time. I have been extra busy lately which I guess is a good thing, but I still need to make every effort I can to make time for blogging. It's funny cause it's like a friend you haven't talked to in a while. The more time that passes, the more your mind reminds you that you need to get in touch. So, here I am. As I write, I am trying to think of where to begin and it may be better for readers if I have a few different posts rather than one long never ending post to read.
I have been spending a lot of my hours making a photo/scrap book for Dave's parents. I am thinking that none of his family reads this blog so I should be ok to write about that. I want it to be a surprise for all of them, not just his parents. Dave has this box 1/4 full of random pics of his years growing up. Well I am part of this awesome website called Groupon.com and it offered $50 worth of book for just $15 at Mixbook.com. (If you're looking for great deals check this site out!) I've never made a scrapbook from a website, but it sounded intriguing so I thought since I had an awesome deal, I would give it a shot. I now understand a bit more what Jody does! I love all the photos that were thrown in this box and couldn't have thought of a better way to bring the memories back. It took me forever! Just like scrap booking, but it's much easier to edit. I may have found another hobby, lol! One great thing about this website is that you can upload pics and if you don't have time to make a book, it will make a book for you with no obligation to keep it. Of course, I wanted to make my own and add my own special touches, but it sure is a nice option. I did publish the book too, so if you want to check it out, just go to Mixbook.com and the book is called "Snapshots of Days Gone By." I can't wait to give it to Dave's parent's! I spent at least 36 hours on it, hence the fact that I've been MIA. I hope I can be near as creative as my cousin Jody someday, so maybe it won't take me so long to do!

M.I.A.

It's been so long since my last post I almost forgot my blog name! OK...maybe not that long, but seriously where the heck have I been? I've actually been quite busy and not just the mom of 3 kids ages 3 and under with a full time job outside of the home kindof busy.  We have actually been out and about doing things. It's kindof crazy cause we are typically homebodies, well actually Dave is the homebody and I usually end up having to drag him along to any extra activities. But, I have wanted to blog in the brief moments of spare time that I have had and really had a lot on my mind, but didn't know where to begin. That's not exactly true either, I could have started anywhere as my mind doesn't seem to stop lately, but didn't want to go on and on about stuff that I'm sure most really don't want to read about. To make it short and to the point, I will just say that I deal with chronic neck pain from 3 bulged discs and a condition called Spasmodic Torticollis and it's really thrown a wrench into much of my happiness. Thus, I've been trying to find answers to help me deal with this condition that is essentially starting to effect many aspects of my life. I think I am on the right path to finding those answers, but getting there takes time.

Now back to the other business of my life. We recently took a trip to the "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Say whaaat?" <-- Remember that song??? Oh if you don't, you're missing out ; )  Anyways, we went there for a full weekend to spend time at the water park. My dad, Patti, Aunt Kelly, Uncle Kirk, Holly, and Tyler met us there on Saturday ( a few weekends ago). We picked Ethan up on the way there so he could be there the whole weekend too. It was a lot of fun, especially for the kids! The area for little kids is perfect and there were lots of life guards to put our mind at a bit more ease. The water could have been warmer, but other than that it was a great time.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and it was packed full. We had friends over that we haven't seen in almost 4 years and then on Saturday we went to a bbq and bonfire. I forgot how relaxing sitting in front of the heat, staring at the the hypnotizing flames, and listening to the crackles of it can be. And not to forget the taste of sweet and sticky smores! It was wonderful! I can't wait till the next bonfire!

Then last Sunday, we got to bring the kiddos to my friend Larry's farm where he gave us a tour that I don't think they will ever forget! My favorite parts were probably watching Lilah and Mason hold the ducks and also them trying to milk a goat. It was so cute to see! Oh and Larry gave us some rhubarb to plant. Cannot wait to make rhubarb goodies!

Yesterday we went to visit my grandma. She is just so cute! She reminds me so much of my precious late Great grandma Manthey. Her hairs is grown quite a bit since the last time I saw her and is so puffy. I love it! She gets to eat regular food now instead of pureed crap or shall I say "garbage" as she refers to it! Actually she let us know that she didn't like her lunch yesterday either. When my mom asked her what she had for lunch she said "junk." Oh how I love her honesty! She's just this sweet tiny lady. Some of my favorite memories of her are:

Painting her nails and picking a color out of the drawer full of nail polish.

Admiring her long nails as I sat on her lap.

Helping her make ginger snaps. She would let me dip them in the sugar bowl before putting them on a pan.

Going to the flee market and on the ride back she would have these sayings like "lady bug, lady bug, fly away home. Your house is on fire. Your kids might burn." I know it sounds like a strange saying, but we got a kick out of it.

Her and Holly coming into the spare bedroom where I slept and waking me up saying, "sleepy head, sleepy head, time to wake up!"

Helping her in her large garden.

Watching Price Is Right and Wheel of Fortune with her.

I also remember she watched Judge Wapner and when my parents went to court for their divorce, I wanted to watch it cause I thought they might be on the show!

I miss those days and the times when grandma was able to do so much more with us. You know when we went to visit her yesterday she said, "I'm going to be buried at St. John's cemetery. I have my plot picked out and already paid for." My mom told her not to rush any of that. It sure makes you wonder why she said that. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness she can have while here with us!



I must say that my baby has been busy babbling away and even slipping the words "dada dada" out. I can't be certain if this is an intentional word for her, but as much as I don't want to admit, it is cute! Dada is always the first word to be spoken, I swear. She's also rolling around from tummy to back and vise versa quite a bit. She's loving her gerber baby food and has made it to 16 lbs! Her personality is is showing more and more. Mason can make her laugh with little to no effort and she has a connection with him unlike any other. Very fun to watch!

Lilah is still quite the little mama and Dave has caught her sneaking a chair up to the kitchen sink bright and early in the morning to "make" Brinlee a bottle. He said one morning Brinlee was holding a bottle that had more formula in it than water from Miss Lilah. When questioning Lilah about this, she said ever so simply, "Brinlee's hungry." Can't help but laugh...





Mama's Day

It's been a fabulous Mother's Day so far and can only get better! I woke up to Mason tapping my shoulder telling me I needed to get up because they made breakfast for me. He proceeded to give me a hug and a kiss and said, "Happy Valentines Day Mom." How cute is that?! I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen as Dave tells me I was suppose to stay in bed so he could bring me breakfast in bed. Ahhh so nice, but would be eating my breakfast as I fed Brinlee. Such a sweet thought and gesture. Beautiful white and red tulips were brightening up the kitchen table and 3 of the sweetest cards were also awaiting me. Lilah's card had what looked to be a heart drawn on it, but when I inquired about the darling shape, she said "No that's a circle." Of course it is! Haha! Tonight Dave is going to make NY strips and crab legs and he even got a bottle of wine too! What more can a girl ask for?

Today is a special day to acknowledge the special women in our lives who have influenced us in so many ways. My mom is an amazing women. She is kind, caring, empathetic, and strong. She has taught me to find a career that I will love. I have seen her work more hours than anyone I know just to keep her head a float. She is the hardest working lady I know and has never thrown her arms up through all the exhaustion and stress. Some of my favorite memories of us are:
At BeeBee Lake, she was sitting on a hill near the beach and I wanted to show her how far I could go in the water. I would call out her name until she acknowledged me and then would take a step back, each time pushing my luck. I had just tip-toed my last step when I saw her start to run down the hill toward me in her flared leg jeans. I remember seeing the green, thick colored water staring me back in the face as I calmly waited for my mother to pull me up to fresh air. I wasn't scared at all. I remember she sat my butt down in the sand and told me in frustration to "stay there." I didn't mind. She saved my life : )
Another memory of us was when her and my dad were still married. I only know this because the scene took place at the house they had built together. Otherwise I really don't barely have any memories of them together since I was so young when they seperated. I remember she drove this green colored hatch back and I also remember red on the hood or maybe the side panel. Anyways, I was sitting in the passenger seat and leaning on her as she let me put my hand on the steering wheel to "help" steer. This was such a big deal and I felt so big!
I remember her coming to my rescue and picking me up from my Grandma Kasper's house as I came home from kindergarten and nobody was home. I was so scared and it began to rain. My mom came to get me and when I got to her house, I warmed up in my little red rocking chair that grandpa made with a fresh change of clothes and a blanket draped around my back.
She always bought my sister and I a treat when it was her weekend to have us. There was these bracelet type things made from colored pantie hose that she got us one weekend and boy was that cool! We would also walk to Tom Thumb in hanover and get chicken drumsticks, Burpee drinks, or fruit snacks.
Oh and the Halloween blizzard in 1991. Who can forget that? She walked with my sister and I through the storm when all the other kids were heading in. As the snow piled on the streets, we kept trudging forward as my mom sang, "Oh the weather outside is frightful." That was the first time I had heard that song and always think of her and that night when its playing.
Mom is not one to mess with. If the neighbor kids were being mean to us, mom would stomp down the stairs, open the screen door, and yell across the yard at them. You almost wished she didn't know that your feelings were hurt because she wasn't gonna let us be bullied and everyone around would know that!
As I got older, she was my listening ear. I remember that I would go on and on about a story and she could barely keep her eyes open after a long day of working 2 jobs. I would just keep blabbing and didn't mind if she responded cause I just wanted to talk. Imagine that!
One of the most selfless things she did was let me help her with cleaning jobs when I dislocated my knee and couldn't waitress. She gave me most of her earnings from those jobs even though money was tight for her. I don't know how I would've gotten through that time without her help.
One of the greatest things mom has taught me was to always be kind to the people who aren't "cool." Mom would tell us stories about being teased as a kid and how awful it felt. I have made sure to not take part in any teasing and tried to make everyone around feel included because of her stories.


My step-mom, Patti, has been a big influence on me also. Without her, I don't think I would have made it to or through college. She guided me and helped me get into the nursing program and also helped me apply for scholarships. I learned a lot about responsibility through her. She has helped me figure out finances and is always willing to help out if we are ever in a bind. She has given helpful advice in all sorts of situations. I am truly grateful that she is in my life and thankful for the guidance she has given.

Sweetheart

Brinlee's been drooling like a mad woman for the past month and chewing on everything in sight, but so did the other 2 kids at this age. So as she was sitting on my lap and we were exchanging big smiles, a white glare from her mouth caught my eye. I thought, "hmmm maybe one's trying to poke through" and swooped my finger across her bottom gum, only to feel the sharp edges of her first tooth! I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty excited and picked up the phone to share the news with Dave. I couldn't believe it! The other kids didn't get their first tooth until at least 6 months so this was unexpected. And, she is my baby. Things are not suppose to move faster. But, I guess this is just one of the many things that are out of my control. My happiness quickly turned to a tiny bit of sadness as I realized this was another step toward toddler hood.

I must add how much of a little love bug she is. She just loves to be nestled up face to face, cheek to cheek. And, if you have a space between your face and her's, she will en wrap her little hands around your cheeks to show her love. Her name means "sweetheart" and I think we picked right : )

My better half

I haven't wrote about the one person who has been by my side over the past 11, almost 12 years. Dave is my best friend. We met at our friend Angie's house in Champlin. I will never forget that night. I wasn't planning on going out. I had come home from working at Perkins and was ready for bed. As I was getting ready to put my pajamas on, my friend Angie, called me begging to come over. I said no, but was persuaded quickly. When I made it through her front door, I looked across the room and sitting at the kitchen table was this guy who was arm wrestling some other guy. We made eye contact and he had the biggest smile I had ever seen with dimples to go along with it. I smiled back and went on to the other room to chat it up with the people I knew. As the night went on, I wanted to know more about this guy with a great smile. I sat at the table next to him and we started talking about mudding. He didn't talk much. I asked most of the questions, but he didn't expand much on the answers. I managed to find out that he had a big family and had sheep. The night passed and by 5 am it was time to go home, but he (being a small town guy) didn't know how to get back home. So, I told him he could follow me and by the time we hit highway 241, he thought he'd be funny and pass me. I liked his confidence and I wanted to know more about him. He had this mysteriousness that intrigued me. I called my friend the next morning and had her give him my pager number (yep remember when pagers were big?!). I got an unusual page a couple days later while at work and figured it was him. I will never forget his mother on the other end of the line. She had this high pitched "DAVID!" yell. She yelled his name at least 3 times before Dave finally came to the phone. I really had some interesting ideas of who his mom was. Thankfully, she was no where near what images I had in mind! Our first official date was the 4th of July at Delano carnival/fireworks with a random date at the Rogers truck stop in-between. Who could have known what the future would hold???
I am sooo very thankful that we managed to work out. We have had our struggles and break ups, but through it all, we have found light at the end of the tunnel. I learned that relationships are hard work at times, but that is how relationships grow. If we can work out our differences, happiness will shine through. Thank God, we have been willing to work through troubled times. My cousin wrote in our wedding card, "Keep the ups and downs between the sheets." I love that! Although I don't always follow that rule, I think it's important because in the end it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
Dave is an amazing husband. He is caring, loving, funny, smart, and selfless. He is a great partner. He cooks, cleans, and shares the work of the kids. I always say that I hope I don't die before him because I just don't know how I could function. He's truly my "better half." He really makes my life complete in so many ways. I am very lucky and very thankful for him.

There are no words

What an emotional day I have had. I am reminded more than ever how precious life is. I went to a conference on caring of the sorrow during pregnancy & infant loss and although the title would have you expect that tears would be shed, nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming feelings that are overcome while hearing the stories of loss. You cannot help but try and imagine what it would be like to go through such grief. I could never truly know what that pain must be like. The deep sadness I felt today must've been just a fraction of what the parents, grandparents, and siblings go through. My heart goes out to those who have had to deal with this pain. I came home and got choked up as I watched Brinlee peacefully sleep in her swing and watched Lilah and Mason running through the backyard giggling and playing. The word grateful is an understatement for what feelings I have to be able to watch them grow. I learned a lot today and hope to help pass on the messages that were given so that we may excell in our care for patients during this difficult time.
A quote from today's conference that really struck a nerve "When we lose a parent, we lose our past. When we lose a child, we lose our future"
May God bring peace to all of those who have suffered such loss and bring comfort in dark moments of mourning.